One of my bffl’s is so into the fucking hobbit and has been trying to con me into watching it for so long. But like…I refused over and over again. I just…idk abt the hobbit. But I came across The Knobbit through my fb newsfeed and now I’m curious because this fucking porno version of the hobbit keeps making what seems like movie refernces and now I am curious as fuck as to wtf they’re actually talking abt and now I’m gonna have to watch the real thing. But back to my actual point…I built her up buttercup, but I let her down and now I am a the worst human friend. She even made me an elaborate snapchat because she was so happy when she thought I was abt to watch the Hobbit. But no. Soz not soz friend. I avoid the hobbit with everything I’ve got but don’t even think twice abt seeing this fucking porno version first HahhahhahHhahahahaaahhahhhaa. Fk. But……LOL. ily raz. I have the best human friends.
9:45 am • 9 April 2014 • 1 note
finish this sentence:
so fucking hot, I would fuck a smoothie. Imagine that creamy, sweet, fruity mixture gliding over my balls as i thrust into the cup, the top scraping against my shaft leaving red scrapes, they’re bleeding, my skin is peeling. This hurts so bad. I made a mistake. I can’t stop. I will never have children. Please Help
Omg this got so painful so fast
Andrew? Is that you?
9:15 am • 8 April 2014 • 163 notes
I went to the Met today
Omfg this is just. Idek anymore. Just fk LOL
9:09 am • 8 April 2014 • 203,136 notes
my mom told me that in high school she use to get boyfriends at the beginning of February so they had enough time to get her a valentines day gift and then break up with them the day after and just keep the gift and one day she told her parents about it and they made her keep her boyfriend at least until the end of February and so she did and that boy is now my dad
9:07 am • 8 April 2014 • 361,838 notes
When my mom’s out in public, she sends me pictures of lesbians she sees.
Jesus I envy that relationship.
this is like the time when my mum took me bra shopping and the girl measuring me up was a lesbian and my mum said to me “i’ll go take a walk around the shop so you can talk to this nice young girl” and gave me a look as if to say “chat her up”.
My mum tries to push me towards cute possibly gay girls and then disappears. She did it in Primark once and I found her hiding behind a pile of knickers, watching me.
i love all of your moms
When I was 17 I was convinced I was in love with the check out girl at the grocery store 5 minutes away from our house, so my dad went to get milk and somehow found an appropriate point in the conversation while buying a half gallon of milk to give her my number. Three days later she called me and asked if I wanted to come over “to watch a movie” and long story short my dad got me laid thanks dad.
This is the parent I aspire to be
My mum hated all of my ex’s. Every time they broke my heart she got so mad that she’d pick up her car keys and scream I AM GOING TO GO TO HER HOUSE TELL ME HER ADDRESS NOW and I’d have to fight to stop her. But my current gf now…she really liked her from the first moment she met her and well, she bought her a birthday cake and even got a custom birthday greeting on the cake itself written in chocolate. My mum loves me and gives no fucks whether I date a guy or girl just as long as they don’t hurt me or all hell will break loose.
8:59 am • 8 April 2014 • 372,553 notes
Just a friendly reminder that u should call ur animals by gender-neutral or multiple pronouns. They CAN understand you and YES it is possible for an animal to be trans. Your cat having a penis does not make it male. It is straight up animal abuse to deliberately misgender your pets so please do not do it.
But like…what happens when you get a kitten and when you were given the kitten you were told the entire litter were girls. You bring the kitten home and you hate bathing cats so your gf is the one that does it now and then for a whole 7 months and she has no fucking clue how to tell cat genitals apart but you do because you’ve had like 6 cats by now but your ex’s have them and then you get another cat who is also a girl and then you bring them both to the vet because both at 7 months old they were like…really aggressive with each other and the first cat looks like she wants to kill the second cat and then the vet tells you they need to be desexed…then when it is done your vet calls you and says in these exact words: “they are both fine and just need rest but one thing…the grey one (the first cat) had BIIIIG TESTICLES DOWN THERE…”. And then you are in shock and do not know exactly what the vet means and then realised after about half an hour of sitting on the couch with your head in your hands all wide eyed and in disbelief…you realise that all this time for 7 months you thought you had 2 female cats who are bitchy as fuck and just started to feel like killing each other because by this age they’re like a pair of pre-teen bitch sisters, but really, your boy-girl cat was trying to fuck the actually-girl cat and omg I don’t even know anymore because we named this gender-confused cat GLORIA ESTEFAN like the singer of that catchy as fuck conga song, and it’s been like another year and my gf still refers to Gloria as she. DOES THIS MAKE US BAD PPL TELL ME NOW
8:44 am • 8 April 2014 • 112,318 notes